I feel fat.
How many of you have said that? How many of you have FELT that way? What does FEELING fat mean??? When I have said and felt that, the other descriptors I’d use were heavy, gross, too big, full. I’ve heard ‘fat is not a feeling’ but for me it was a VERY visceral sensation, something I was fucking FEELING and it sucked. And kept me stuck.
I want to be clear that feeling fat had NOTHING to do with the number on the scale. During my life with eating disorders, the more active I was in my self-destructive thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors of restricting/binging and purging, the more ‘fat I felt’ no matter what size I was. That’s because, yes ‘feeling fat’ is real but that’s just the surface, what’s beneath is where the deeper truth lives, where the work is.
It was time to begin the journey beneath the surface. It was time to uncover, discover, and recover. It was time to look inside and see what other feelings were lurking, face them, and ultimately feel more. This was a constant fear over those 20 plus years, moving past just ‘feeling fat’ and actually feeling.
What I uncovered and discovered on the path to recovering:
Feeling FAT was the surface feeling for experiencing immense discomfort, awkwardness, being uneasy or even disease.
Feeling TOO BIG was the surface feeling of not being enough or worthy. I felt like I was taking up too much space. I didn’t deserve to be seen.
Feeling FULL was the surface feeling for being full of emotions that felt too big to process like my loneliness and tremendous fear of most everything.
Feeling GROSS was the surface feeling for embarrassment, shame, guilt, and regret.
Pause. Close your eyes. Connect to your body. Connect to your breath. Get present. (If you do not have a mindfulness practice, listen to a short guided one on Peaceful Power Project, the podcast .) When you feel centered and grounded, take a moment to write down your not so pleasant, very real physical feelings. Give space under each feeling. After you have listed the surface feelings, uncensored, journal what is beneath. Just write. Write until you feel done and then write some more.
This practice of getting to the core, my core, challenging as hell, gave me so much clarity mentally and I was then able to work through what I found. I also began to feel at peace in and with my body. I felt lighter (again, NOT related to weight). It was and is a process. Things come up all of the time. I can still be triggered and I can 'feel fat' but now, through awareness and mindfulness, I know how to quickly shift. I know how to dig deeper, look harder, move THROUGH not over, under, or around what I see.
I am grateful for where I have been, what I have gone through, worked through, where I am now and where I’m going.
Please connect if you have any comments or questions or are interested in beginning your journey with The Emerge Program . Also feel free to share with anyone you know who may benefit!